Last week one of my coaching clients, Deborah, confessed to me that one of her clients has two outstanding invoices! She also admitted that she finds it very difficult to address these types of situations with clients and will go to great lengths to avoid an awkward conversation with any client.
Her response to the situation with her client didn’t come as a surprise to me. Deborah is a classic AVOIDER! An avoider is someone who often won’t speak up and address a situation that needs to be addressed. Sometimes an avoider will send an email or a text even when they know it’s the type of conversation that needs to happen face-to-face.
Another common example of avoidance that I often hear from my clients is the manager who won’t give an employee critical feedback. The employee has done something wrong or the quality of their work is sub-par but, for some reason, the manager can’t or won’t give the employee the feedback they need to improve.
Difficult conversations are inevitable and avoiding them can hurt our relationships, careers, and businesses. If you are ready to stop avoiding difficult conversations, here is what you need to know to help you shift your perspective about these types of conversations as well as key steps you need to take to get past whatever is causing you to avoid the conversation.
First, the perspective shift –
- The first thing you need to realize is that certain conversations are not supposed to be easy. In fact, difficult conversations are not the problem – it’s our expectation that the conversation shouldn’t be difficult. In other words, we are not managing our own expectations if we think that we won’t run into these types of situations or that certain conversations will be easy.
- The fact that you find the conversation difficult is a sign that something about this situation is important to you. People who find it easy to deliver bad news or critical feedback are often lacking in empathy. So, the fact that you find it challenging to have this type of conversation is a statement about who you are! It’s not easy to remind a client that their payment is overdue. You don’t want to embarrass the client or at worst, lose the client altogether. The fear or anxiety that you experience about these types of conversations simply means you need to take more time to prepare for the conversation.
Second, here are the steps you can take to get past the urge to avoid a
difficult conversation –
- Ask yourself, what is the cost of not having the conversation?
In the case of my client, her cash flow was getting dangerously low and the client wasn’t going to get what they needed if they didn’t pay her. When she explained to her client that she couldn’t continue with the project until she received payment, they promptly paid up! I often remind managers who are nervous about giving critical feedback to an employee about the cost to the employee’s career if no one tells them about the quality of their work.
And, remember, if someone purchased a service or product from you, they knew they had to pay you for it. Getting your invoice won’t come as a surprise to them!
Which brings me to my next point…
- Ask yourself, what are you really avoiding?
Are you really worried about the reaction of the other person or are you avoiding the emotional labour? Having a difficult conversation takes time and energy and sometimes we might feel like it’s easier to avoid the person or the situation altogether. But, problems and issue rarely get resolved on their own and our relationships and careers are worth the effort it takes to have a good conversation.
3. Practice managing your emotions. How well we navigate a difficult conversation often depends on our ability to manage our emotions in the moment. When we know how to manage our emotions during tense situations we are more likely to respond rather than react. Knowing that you can manage emotions will give you more confidence because you will feel equipped to handle whatever situation comes your way.
4. View a difficult conversation as an opportunity. Use the situation with a client or employee to understand what you need to do differently in your business or career. Have you clearly articulated your payment terms? Are you enforcing those terms? Do you need to schedule regular check-ins with your employee to make sure expectations for performance are clear? See the conversation as an opportunity to do business in a better way or to be a more effective manager.
5. Focus on a positive outcome. Before going into a difficult conversation, try not to assume the worst. Be prepared to outline what the benefits are for the other person in having the conversation such as – “I want you to excel in your career and I know you want that too, so I would like to give you some feedback to help you really shine in your job”. It will take the pressure off if you focus on how you can help the other person.
Difficult conversations are a part of life. Our careers, businesses, and relationships are worth the effort it takes to learn how to have better conversations.
I want to hear from you! What types of conversations do you find difficult? Leave a note in the comments or join me over on my Facebook page!